Hw 36: Big paper Triangle Partner Help

Evan-

Great start. The introduction was well written and engaging, you listed your major points perfectly and it didn't seem to wordy like come of your previous work. Although I really liked your introduction, its a bit unclear what specifically is your thesis statement. I'm not saying anything is confusing, persay. But maybe you want to emphasize one sentence or two as your overall main idea, rather then having a paragraph at a sum up of your paper. Just a thought.

I like the topic, you are really exploring the trial and errors of attempting to be cool and how many people go about accomplishing this goal of high social status.
I like how you started off your first argument, although the wording is a bit confusing. Your stating the contradiction between being a heroic archetype and being cool, but could you elaborate a bit more on why its impossible to be two archetypes at once.
Although I LOVED your Mr. fanning quote where he referenced belonging to a tribe. That sums up your point so well, I couldn't have said it better myself.

You might want to look back and revise some of the statistical statements you make, for instance saying "most of us try and fail drastically" or "99% of us blah blah blah". I don't think its that severe. I think many of us don't try quite as hard as we can (like James Dean had) because we're scared of the judgment that will be placed on us, considering trying too hard is looks down upon. Although you go more into this nicely in your next argument, so lemme stop there.

Good segue into signifier and how we use our bodies as canvas's to express our roles. I loved your argument about how we are all performing the roles we chose and we use places like school and work as a stage. But what happens when the spotlight isn't on us? How do we alter our characters when we THINK no ones looking?

Again GREAT segue into your next argument of exploring the sources of emptiness that we fill my an agenda of becoming cool. Interesting reference to Native American tribes, I remember Fanning mentioning that in his speech to punk rock acceptance.
DAMN then you go into the points I practically basing my WHOLE paper around... the transition of emptiness from infancy to adulthood. The attention we're given is altered as we grow up, and t each stage we must adjust to new environments and new treatments. Eventually we realize we may be in more control of our fate then before, but changing people's perception may be harder then desired. This is all neccessary though to function in our delegate society and ever wish of achieving "normalcy".

Add to your conclusion and end with something a bit more interesting then just restating your previous points.

Promising start (as Andy would say). I'm looking forward to reading what else you come up with.

:)

- Alicia


Brit-

Basically what Andy said. If you use his outline as a guide, you will probably have an easier time writing."

- Alicia